I have to hand it Ted Koppel.
He’s getting to do what many of us have wanted to do for years – interview David Letterman, that well-known Greta Garbo of late-night.
The interview, for which Ted did no campaigning whatsoever (life isn’t fair, is it, Barbara and Connie?), will likely be conducted this week for airing next Monday on the premiere episode of Koppel’s new “Nightline” spinoff, “Up Close” (12:05 a.m. on Ch. 7).
But I’m not sure Ted knows what he’s getting into. Sure, he’s skilled at interviewing various think-tank scholars and under-secretaries of state, but Letterman? I’ll bet even Ted can’t remember the last time he interviewed an actual celebrity, so I think he needs help.
And since I’ve dreamed for years of interviewing Letterman (to no avail, of course – he won’t even acknowledge the flowers, the gift baskets, or the envelopes stuffed with cash), I’ve got a list of questions for Dave that Ted can use – at no charge!
And here they go: What everyone wants to know about Letterman:
1) You live by yourself in an immense house in Westchester that is obviously way too big for a single guy. What do you do up there all day besides slide around on your hardwood floors in your socks?
2) You reportedly make $31.5 million a year under your new contract. That means you get weekly paychecks totaling $605,769.23. Gosh, can we see one?
3) Come on, Dave, come clean: You hate Leno’s guts, don’t you?
4) You often have an expression on your face like you’re sitting on the world’s nastiest hemorrhoid. Just what exactly is your problem?
5) Dave, we just happen to have brought along with us an advanced CAT scan machine. May we take a look at your heart?
6) You do a bit on your show in which you and Paul Shaffer try to guess if a man is wearing a toupee. Care to make the same guess about me?
7) Come on, just between you and me, which one of those Disney weasels approached you about taking my time slot?
8) In your negotiations with CBS, you reportedly pressed the network to promote your show on other Viacom-owned networks such as MTV. What makes you think the kids who watch MTV would want to watch an old guy like you anyway?
9) Is it true that you’re considering allowing camera crews into your home like Ozzy Osbourne?
10) And lastly, if David Letterman were a flower, what kind of a flower would he be?