NEW ORLEANS — Well, you can set your watch by this: The conspiracy theorists will be lining up at the various entrances to the Jersey Turnpike by the time this Super Bowl wraps, by the time the NFL officially turns its attention to the Gotham Bowl to be held this time next year in East Rutherford.
Oh, you should hear some of the Saints fans mumbling through the French Quarter and the Garden District. Whenever they can suspend their anger at commissioner Roger Goodell long enough, a fair segment of them will bend your ear about something even more sinister than Bountygate.
“It was fixed,” one Who Dat acolyte said, not wanting to give his name because, you know, it’s possible “It was fixed” can be interpreted as libelous, slanderous or just plain crazy.
It was fixed?
“No way the Saints were going to play in this game. No way a home team will ever play in the Super Bowl. Too many empty hotel rooms if that happens. Too many empty bars. Too many people eating dinner at home and not in the restaurants. That may sound crazy. But it’s true.”
That sounds crazy.
“But it’s true.”
Well, we try to keep the grassy knoll away from sports whenever we can, and so we’ll just state something that’s obvious to anyone who knows a thing or three about Super Bowls and geography: There never has been a home team yet. Twice we came close: The L.A. Rams played the Steelers in Pasadena, Calif., in Super Bowl XIV and the 49ers played the Dolphins in Palo Alto, Calif., in Super Bowl XVIII.
That’s it. Some of this is logical: The Saints were wretched for decades, so there was little chance they would play in most of the games played at either Tulane Stadium or the Superdome. Same with the Buccaneers and Tampa, and the Cardinals and Phoenix. L.A. stopped hosting the game before the Raiders came to town for their dalliance in Hollywood.
Maybe the most puzzling one of all is the mathematical quirk from the ’70s, when it seemed Miami hosted every other Super Bowl and the Dolphins were in three in a row. Still never crossed paths: The Dolphins lost to the Cowboys in New Orleans (a year after it had been at the Orange Bowl), beat the Redskins in Los Angeles and beat the Vikings in Houston. By the time the game returned two years later, half the Dolphins were playing in the WFL.
This seemed like the team and the time, the Saints with their high-octane offense, and with the good karma of the first post-Katrina Big Easy Big Game looming. And then Bountygate struck, and the Saints couldn’t tackle anyone, and they didn’t even make the playoffs.
“It was fixed,” the people say.
That’s crazy, you say.
“It’s true,” they say.
Now we will see. I guess if you want to take them at their word, then the conspirators will cite the head start the Jets already have gotten off to, a Super Bowl contender 15 minutes ago that seems destined for Palookaville for a good, long while, starting with next year.
Ah, but the Giants: They could be good enough. They should be good enough to at least get in the tournament, and as they have proven time and again, once you’re in it, you could win it. Now, if they have a season next year that resembles the one they had this year, then the theorists will throw a party and hire a band. This is a season that looked like it had a dark hand behind it, for both teams.
Might happen next year, too. Nobody ever has hosted the Big Game and played in it too, 47-for-47, with 48 up next February. It could end there. History says no. Odds say no. Most of all, conspiracy theorists say hell, no. Maybe that’s crazy.
Or maybe it’s true.
Whack Back at Vac
Chris Freeman: Mike Tannenbaum publicly falling on the sword for the Tim Tebow debacle conjures Dan Enright (David Paymer) from “Quiz Show.” Who to cast as the Jets owner was, at first, a dilemma. The choice was between Robert Kittner, the president of NBC (Allan Rich) or the CEO of Geritol, Martin Ritner (Martin Scorsese). I decided both parts should be portrayed by Woody (Johnson & Johnson).
Vac: If the fastest way to my heart is through my stomach, a close second is to lay a little “Quiz Show” knowledge on me. Well done, Chris.
@JLB1031: What has more jumped the shark? Media Day wackiness or people complaining about Media Day wackiness?
@MikeVacc: I’m pretty sure Media Day jumped the shark before even Fonzie jumped the shark.
Wayne Vanyo: As a non-professional, should I be concerned if I happen to take the deer-antler spray? Will I have an uncontrollable urge to rub against trees and stand in the middle of the road and stare at headlights?
Vac: And we thought “the cream” and “the clear” sounded creepy back in the day, right?
Phil Ellard: You just wanted to make sure we were paying attention, right? The exclusion of the DiMaggio brothers — Vince, Joe, Dominic — had to have been an oversight and not an opinion, right?
Vac: Well, if that had been my intention, I certainly got a lot of people’s attention, and I appreciate everyone’s (mostly) good-natured rebuttals. Honestly, if we’re ranking all six evenly, I’m still not sure I wouldn’t take the Alous (the presence of Vince counterbalances Joe, IMHO). I’m ducking now.
Vac’s Whacks
Every time I set foot in New Orleans, I marvel at the same mystery: How did I — how does anyone — ever survive four years of college?
* I thought Amar’e Stoudemire had punched his ticket out of Knicks’ fans hearts when he punched that fire extinguisher last spring. If anything, he’s more popular at the Garden now than ever, which is exactly as it should be as he not only gets better by the game, but accepts his role off the bench.
* Rip the BBWAA for the way it selects (or omits) baseball Hall of Famers all you want. It still beats the junta that picks the football Hall.
* All you ever want from the teams you root for is that they play as hard as our feisty little Islanders team is playing right now.