Parents should beware of using this two-word demand with kids — ‘they’re tuning you out every time’, expert says
Parents should?be careful?about wearing out this warning.?
Tots, toddlers and tikes — newcomers to this big, hazardous world — can often be drawn to danger like moths to flames. They’re like little daredevils.
So, to keep them safe from harm, parenting pros are advising moms and dads to avoid this common command: “Be careful.”
“When we say, ‘Be careful,’ all the time on repeat, it just starts to mean nothing to them,” Deena Margolin, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told Parade. “For little kids, a lot of times, that phrase just isn’t specific enough for them. It doesn’t mean a lot.”
It’s a call for caution that can lose its luster over time, according to parenting coach Kristin Gallant.?
“When you follow your kid around and go, ‘Be careful, be careful, be careful, be careful,’ suddenly when there’s a hot stove or a car is coming, they’re tuning you out every time you say, ‘Be careful,'” said Gallant, who co-hosts parenting podcast “Big Little Feelings” with Margolin.
“So the dangerous thing is happening and they’re like, ‘Whatever,’ and they keep going,” Gallant added.
The well-meaning warning can also?trigger anxiety in little ones.?
“We have such good intentions behind it — we love our kids so, so much, we want them to be safe,” said Margolin.
“Letting them take risks and explore things and mess up, like that is all so good for their development,” continued the doc. “So, how can we teach them to really be careful without making them nervous or fearful, and still encouraging them to take age-appropriate risks?”
It’s a quandary similar to that of parents who praise their kids with potentially harmful phrases like “good job” or “good boy” and “good girl.”
Experts have previously found that the seemingly benign affirmations could come across as disingenuous, leaving children feeling invalidated and unconfident.
Thankfully, Margolin and Gallant have come up with a few effectual alternatives to “be careful” that can help youngsters build self-awareness and use critical thinking — and (hopefully) resist touching that open flame.
Here are the big little substitute sayings from the “Big Little Feelings” emcees.
1. “Look down where you’re stepping.”
This prompts your child to be aware of their surroundings.
2. “Hold on tightly with your hands.”
Suggest a helpful action, like holding on tightly, if needed.
3. “What’s your plan here?”
“I love that one,” Margolin shares. “It really allows them to tune in and make a plan for themselves.”
4. “Do you see how close you are to the edge?”
“A lot of times, they’re standing on something, they’re on rocks,” Margolin explains. “We want them to be able to look inside and make their own assessment and choices so that, eventually, they really can be in that situation independently where they’re like, ‘Am I being careful?'”
5. “Say ‘help’ if you need my help.”
“[This is] another one that I love,” Margolin says. “That way, they’re in control of it. They’re in charge, but they know that we’re there if they do need us.”
6. “Do you feel safe?”
This prompt gives children a chance to self-reflect and think about how they’re feeling in that moment as they look closer at their surroundings.
7. “How can your hands and your feet help you here?”
“When kids are climbing, [I’m] just reminding them that their hands and their feet are kind of like their go-to tool,” Margolin shares.
8. “Notice [insert specific callout.]”
“Here’s an example, another one with rocks (my kids love rocks, so I’m thinking about rocks all the time — love some rocks),” Margolin says. “But encouraging them, ‘Notice how slippery the rocks are before you step like that,’ where you’re really guiding their awareness.”
