A widely circulated internet report claiming the FBI categorized and ranked criminals according to their zodiac signs has been debunked.
But what the suits failed to provide, I am here to deliver.
While thieves and killers run the gamut and round out the zodiac wheel, there are certain qualities that lend themselves to deviant behavior. I would argue that Mutability and Midwestern pedigrees lead the charge when it comes to sadistic temperaments, and Air signs are most adept at talking themselves into plea deals. Based on a personal penchant for men with neck tattoos, considerable astrological training and a teenage obsession with true crime documentaries, I bring you my list of the most dangerous zodiac signs, ranked from least to most.
12. Taurus
Contrary to this study, in my experience, a Taurus would rather masturbate and have a beach picnic than go to the trouble of murdering someone. It’s not that they don’t have rage; in fact, all bulls reserve a part of their pasture for the grudges they routinely water. It’s just that they would rather get rich than get even. Taurus rules the Second House of values and possessions, and the darkest expression of this energy is ruthless greed and absolute laziness. It is thus no surprise that infamous Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff was born under the sign of the bull.
11. Cancer
Ruled by the moon, Cancer energy is associated with compassion, intuition and caretaking. At its darkest expression, it is emotionally manipulative and deluded when it comes to self-reflection. For evidence, look no further than Cancer evangelist Peter Popoff, who allegedly swindled legions of faith followers out of dollars and dignity by falsely claiming to be a clairvoyant capable of divining and curing their medical conditions. Beware false prophets and those born in early July.
10. Libra
Ruled by Venus, the planet of love and beauty, Libras feel entitled to the finer things in life and exhibit no real motivation to toil for them. Renowned for prodigious charm and minimal work ethic, they prefer not to get their hands dirty or their feathers ruffled. Leave it to a glamorous Libra like Doris Payne to commit the bloodless, victimless crime of high-end larceny, eventually becoming the world’s most famous jewel thief. In 2019, Payne penned a tell-all book, revealing the key to a successful heist isn’t luck or confidence but the ability to make people forget. “If they could forget, then I could get money,” she wrote.
9. Aries
Flashy and brash, original and hard to ignore, Cardinal Fire sign Aries wants to be first and be seen. Enter mob man, Aries and alleged assassin “Crazy Joe” Gallo. The dude was allergic to keeping a low profile; he had a pet lion, celebrity pals, a penchant for quoting philosophy and died in a pinstriped suit on his 43rd birthday. At its lowest vibration, Aries energy is utterly self-centered and randomly violent. According to his biographer, when an analyst suggested Joey suffered from “pseudopsychopathic schizophren?ia,” he responded, “F–k you. Things are not right or wrong anymore. Just smart or stupid. You don’t judge an act by its nature. You judge it by results. We’re all criminals now … Things exist when I feel they should exist, okay? Me. I am the world.”
I am the world? There is no wrong? Apex Aries on a bad day.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
- The 12 zodiac signs
- What are the astrology houses?
- Here’s what each planet represents
- Sun, moon and rising signs: Get to know your Big 3
8. Leo
Vanity is a 尝别辞’蝉 favorite sin, and many among them will go to great lengths to preserve their looks. Perhaps no living lion has taken conceit further than Countess Elizabeth Báthory. Fearful that her beauty was on the decline, Báthory took to murdering local girls and consuming their blood, believing it contained the elixir of youth. Vile? Definitely, but recent research suggests Liz may have been onto something.
7. Capricorn
Tenacious and strategic, Capricorns come to play and they won’t settle for second place, even — and perhaps especially — when it comes to criminal credibility. Proving the point is scrappy Capricorn Al “厂肠补谤蹿补肠别” Capone, who was ordained Public Enemy No. 1 by the city of Chicago. Like all Earth signs, Capricorns are deeply attached to their creature comforts, and Capone didn’t even let incarceration keep him from his. Capricorns favor stoicism over sentiment, exhibited by the mobster’s alleged orchestration of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. Trading Tommy guns for cupid’s arrows and a seven-man body count for candy hearts, he forever marred the meaning of the lover’s holiday.
6. Sagittarius
Ruled by fun-loving, drunk-uncle planet Jupiter and symbolized by the ever-seeking archer, Sagittarius is the sign of expansion, optimism and good luck. Exhibit A: Colombian drug lord, hippo enthusiast and notable Sagittarius Pablo Escobar. The man, the myth, the mustache created a vast narco empire, amassing a net worth that landed him on Forbes list of the richest men in the world for seven consecutive years. As savage as he was successful, Escobar and his associates were responsible for the deaths of some 1,000 Colombian police officers and effectively turned his hometown of Medellín into the murder capital of the world. Demonstrative of Sagittarian ambition and delusional optimism, Escobar was not satisfied with his station as a drug lord and set his sights on a career in politics. Sagittarians tend to live by their own, oft-skewed moral code — and Escobar was no exception. Problematic but deeply beloved by his countrymen, some of whom still regard him as a folk hero — Escobar dispensed food and blankets in city slums, and built houses and sponsored medical procedures for the poor. Escobar’s luck, if not his legacy, finally ran out the day after his 44th birthday when he was killed in a coordinated attack between Colombian police and American DEA agents.
5. Scorpio
Scorpio is ruled by death-daddy planet Pluto and the darker expressions of the sign are paranoia, toxic sexuality, obsession, controlling tendencies and the pursuit of power at all costs. Themes epitomized by failed folk musician turned death dealer Charles Manson. Scorpios are adept at seduction and making use of other people’s talents, which explains how and why Manson was able to cajole a fleet of middle part-wearing young women to do his dark bidding while he languished in the desert, calling the shots while standing a diminutive 5-foot-6. To add insult to fatal injury, Chuck had himself a messianic Aquarius Moon making him all but destined to be a killer cult leader. Who but a man with this Sun and Moon configuration would routinely dose his followers with LSD, cast himself as Christ and re-enact the crucifixion?
4. Aquarius
Ruled by Uranus, planet of revolution and individualism, Aquarians are the trailblazers of the zodiac. Consider Aquarius “Queen of Cocaine” Griselda Blanco, who became a true pioneer in the male-dominated industry of drug trafficking. Could there be a more apropos surname for a woman who in her prime smuggled a ton and a half of cocaine per month into the United States? I think not. Described as “ruthless and ingenious”— operative adjectives for any Aquarius — Blanco conspired to kill not one but two of her husbands and once planned to kidnap John F. Kennedy Jr. as a way to bribe her way out of a murder sentence.
3. Gemini
Represented by the twins, Gemini is the sign of duality. These folks run hot and cold and never has the swing been more extreme than in the case of geisha, prostitute, convicted murderess and full-bore Gemini Sada Abe. After a weekend of vigorous, sex she asphyxiated her married lover using her own belt. Afterward, she sipped beers, cuddled his corpse and — Gemini being the sign of written communication — carved her name into his arm and used the blood to write a love note. Eventually, she cut off his penis, carrying it with her as a keepsake. After being apprehended, Abe told police: “I felt totally at ease, as though a heavy burden had been lifted from my shoulders, and I felt a sense of clarity.” Leave it to an Air sign to feel unburdened by murder, smile for the cameras at the courthouse and live out their later years in a convent. Can’t say the girl didn’t have range.
2. Pisces
A truly inordinate amount of famous death-dealers fall under the sign of the fish, including, but not limited to John Wayne Gacy, Richard ‘Double Pisces” Ramirez, Aileen Wuornos, Osama Bin Laden, the BTK Killer, Adolf Eichmann and Ottis Toole. How does the most compassionate of Water signs end up with the densest concentration of killers? Pisces are an escapist ilk who often retreat into the world of fantasy as a way to cope with their acute sensitivity. The shadow side of this is a tendency to live beyond reason or reality. Pisces is ruled by Neptune, planet of dreams and delusions. At its most dangerous expression, Pisces energy is destructive, secretive and seriously pessimistic. Easily wounded, these people are prone to despair and the development of deep resentments that can fester into violent fantasies of revenge or domination. They tend to avoid confrontation and resist accountability, habits that support prolific killing careers.
1. Virgo
Virgo takes the cake — nay, the corpse — for most dangerous sign of the zodiac. In my estimation they are least likely to get caught in the act or in the aftermath of a crime. Their exacting, meticulous nature lends itself well to cover-ups and crime scene cleanup, while their mutable energy makes adapting to stressors like guilt and regret a veritable breeze. More inclined to invert than express, they’ll take all their secrets and skeletons to the grave. Virgo is an industrious Earth sign that doesn’t like to waste time or materials, preferences exhibited by Midwestern madman Ed Gein, who fashioned clothing — including a nipple belt and home decor such as human-skin lampshades — from the remains of his victims. Gein served as inspiration for the films “Psycho,” “Silence of the Lambs” and “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” and his habits were immortalized by Blind Melon in their 1995 kazoo bop “厂办颈苍苍别诲.”
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.
